To Drown or To Lean

One life’s lessons I continue to struggle with is learning I really cannot do everything on my own.  And as I continue in my stubborn ways, I think God has been pouring more and more down on me to help me come to this realization.  I often wonder if He is looking down on me saying, “Come on Ashley…when you gonna give in to me.  Not yet?  Okay, here you go.”  And BAM…my grandpa gets scheduled for open heart surgery the same day my dad undergoes a total knee replacement…in the same city, at two different hospitals, just a few days after I missed work after being ill, just a few days before I had to fly to Boston for school and  oh just a few days before my 38-page DNP protocol was due.  (And this is really just one example!)  There was a day last week when I was overwhelmed to the point of tears (a rarity in my life!) until I just let go and leaned on those around me.  I really, really do not leaning.  I like standing tall.  On my own. 

I have had to rely on so very many people over the last year of my life and it is just an uncomfortable place for me.   Although I have learned to let go of my plan and embrace God’s plan….I still want to do “His” plan on my own.  I don’t want to need other people.  Well, clearly I am going to have to get over this.

Time and time again I find myself in situations where I feel as though I am drowning and I am basically forced to reach out for help.  I really hate this.  In the past two weeks alone, I have had to reach out and rely on other people to let me borrow a couch to sleep on, watch my brown baby (my dog), cover for me at work…the list could go on and on.  I think of all the moments I was relatively helpless over the last couple years and how every single time, God popped someone perfectly in my life to lean on.  And although I absolutely hate leaning on others, I need to learn God puts people in our lives because we really can’t do it on our own:

• When I came home to a house vacant of a husband, God provided a work friend for me to live with.  And by leaning on her, a beautiful friendship grew.  And I had live-in support to get through my divorce.  She will never understand how God used her in my life.  And I love her dearly. 

• Last summer, I had to leave work unexpectedly because my grandma was dying…not to return to work for 10 days.  Just to be clear, I really never miss work.   I just realized last week, over the past year God has surrounded me a strong team of co-workers to help cover me through several difficult times in life…death, surgery, illness, divorce, graduate school (it’s been a busy year!).  The support He has placed around me is overwhelming.  And yet I still struggle to lean on them.  (Although I am learning…just a slow learner, I guess).

• And my research fellowship in Boston would not be possible without the hospitality of another friend…when I committed to my fellowship I was in a very different place in life.  Had I known the twists and turns life would take, I would never have made this commitment.  I guess sometimes not knowing the future actually helps us get there!  Anyway, I ran into a former work friend in Jamaica last spring and I learned she had moved to Boston; without much thought she offered me a place to stay in Boston.  And I have had to lean on her (and her boyfriend and cute little dog) for a place to stay SO SO SO many times over the past year.  And again, a friendship grew.

• God provides not only through people…His dynamic plan really is brilliant.  Running is another thing He put in my life as a “crutch” to get through a rough time.  I’ve only been running for about two and half years.  And 3 years ago I couldn’t even run for a 20-minute period.  Now I’m running marathons.  Running has got me through so many stressful events over the last couple years.  And I am pretty sure running is what kept me from becoming an alcoholic during my divorce.  It’s not something I had to ‘ask’ to lean on…but I am leaning nonetheless.

There are countless other examples in my life when I needed a crutch (or  really needed a stretcher!) and God provided.  He always provides.  We just need to learn to accept His plan and more importantly His support. 

Because we really can’t do it on our own…and the great thing is we don’t have to.

Matthew 6:31-33
So don't worry about these things, saying "What will we eat?  What will we drink?  What will we wear?"  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

A friend, a couch and a whole lot of leaning,

Ashley Lucille