Journey Deeper

Not too long ago I found out someone I considered to be a close friend has been extremely ugly towards me behind my back.  I know that sounds childish however apparently such things do occur in adulthood.  I do choose my close friends wisely, but I try to be a genuine and authentic friend.  I try to be a good friend to her.  I pray for her.  I check in on her.  I care about her well being.  But another friend of ours clued me into the fact that those feelings are not mutual.  And went as far to warn me to approach our friendship with caution because she was not a friend to me behind my back. 

And as much as I would love to say this discovery did not bother me, it really did.  It hurt.  It hurt similarly to how it hurts in childhood when you find out girls are gossiping behind your back.  I haven’t really experienced this level of two-faced betrayal as an adult.  I really thought this kind of  behavior was something people outgrew.  I’m not flawless and have certainly said unkind things behind someone’s back however it is rare for me to share something behind your back that I haven’t also said to your face.  I don’t shy away from letting people know where they stand with me, or at least I try very hard to live by this practice.  In general people know where they stand with me and I put distance between myself and people I don’t consider friends.  Most of the time, the boundaries are clear for me.  

As I let these feelings of hurt and betrayal fester in my heart, I decided I had to find a way to let go of the hurt and move past it.  And I found my way through the Cross.  Jesus experienced deep betrayal on the cross and HE KNEW all of it ahead of time.  He knew Judas would betray Him.  He knew Peter would deny Him.  He knew they would crucify Him.  And yet He was kind.  He was loving.  He was ministering.  He took the time to fellowship and stay close to them.  He asked God to forgive them for torturing and killing him while in the midst of them mocking him.

Luke 23:34-36
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.”  And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.  The people stood watching, and the ruler sneer at him.  They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.”  The soldiers also came up and mocked him.

So in the Spirit of the cross, I decided I would continue praying and caring for this friend.  I may guard my heart a little more but I would still demonstrate loving behavior.  I would be true to the type of friend God has called me to be and not let the ugly behavior of someone else tempt my heart to harbor hurt and anger.  Because Jesus knew and yet He was still kind and loving.  He knew and He still went to the cross.  There is plenty of ugliness in the world and what we need is more of the love demonstrated at the cross. 

Betrayal, hurt and a Cross,

​Ashley Lucille



​Note: The opinions and feelings expressed in this blog are solely that of the author and does not in any way reflect the opinions of or represent any employer, organization or academic affiliation to whom the author may be associated with currently or in the past.

It’s not even a month into a new year and already my calendar is full and most of my time day to day is accounted for between a demanding job and a demanding home life.  I’m projecting a very busy 2023 with several trips already on the books.  And although I’ve been longing for the excitement of a busy family schedule that includes trips and dare I say vacations, I also realize how quickly our life (and sin) can steal our time, space and room for God.

I started the year off with a lingering chest cold that really zapped my energy level.  As I quickly approach my 40th birthday, I’m learning the body doesn’t handle a lot of things quite as well as it does when you are in your 20s or 30s.  And illness is on that list.  The lingering illness combined with a rocky start to the year at work, I found myself in a need of extra rest.  I justified the need for rest as necessary for my health and well-being but I also allowed that rest to cut into the time I sat aside for God each day.  The time and space I normally spend with God was gone.  I allowed the habit of getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep to overpower the habit of resting in His Word and taking my burdens to His feet.  No matter how many times I fall into the temptation of cutting into time and space reserved for God, I never seem to learn that life always goes better when I hold time and space for God without exception.

This week I had a hard deadline for a work project. Deadlines don’t really work when your day-to-day schedule is meeting after appointment after meeting and you have no time to actually work on projects or deadlines.  As the deadline approached, one morning I got up extra early to knock out the work before my scheduled day officially started.  As I sat down with my cup of coffee and work computer, I realized I had no issues cutting into my “need for extra rest” for my job, but somehow I couldn’t do it for God.  This realization stopped me dead in my tracks.  I immediately closed the work computer and opened my Bible.  I found myself turning to the book of Psalm because what better place to land when you are angry or ashamed than in the Psalms.  I picked Psalm 10 to read only because I’m using a new planner and it gives you a recommended Bible reading each day.  I knew that recommended reading would be shorter and require less time than my normal reading plan.  I’m ashamed to admit that now but that’s the brutal truth as to why I picked Psalm 10.  No doubt this was divine intervention, to nudge me on such a day that Psalm 10 would be the “shortcut”  reading for my day.

Psalm 10:1-4
Why, LORD, do you stand far off?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?  In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises.  He boasts about the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.  In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.  

God doesn’t hide Himself during times of trouble.  However, God gives us free will and we have to invite him into our space.   We are told multiple times throughout Scripture that if we seek Him, we will find Him.  I realized through Psalm 10 that I have allowed Satan to use a busy schedule and all sorts of other circumstances to make me feel justified to leave no room for God in my day to day life.  And isn’t that just how Satan works?  He threads the lie with partial truths.  

I have been ill.  
You do need extra rest when you are ill.  
I am getting older.  
Your body doesn’t recover as quickly.  
I do have a lot of demands as a mom.  

​All of that is true.  But none of those truths, supersede my need for God.  None of those justify not  leaving room for God day-to-day.  I find room for lots of less important activities including social media, television, relaxing, etc.  I allowed pride in being able to do life without God, to eliminate the time, space and room for God in my life.  When I thought of what to cut out, I didn’t cut out the least.  I cut out what I needed the most.  It doesn’t even make sense as I reflect on it because I know better.  It’s a great example of the battle of good and evil that takes place inside a believer’s heart.  It’s a great example of the deceitful tricks Satan uses to distract us from what really matters in life.  It’s Satan’s pathetic attempts to steal us from God.

Romans 7:18-23
For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.

In that moment, sitting at my kitchen counter with a closed laptop, open Bible and couple of coffee, Psalm 10 turned into a prayer asking for forgiveness and a realization that I always need to leave room for God.

Time, space and room,

​Ashley Lucille

I’m in a tough, discouraging season of life right now.  And this season feels more like a lifetime than a passing season. I know that isn’t positive but it’s honest.  Maybe it’s because for the last four years, I have been stuck in the infant stage of parenting.  That exhausting stage where your child is totally dependent on you and there is zero time carved out for your own wellbeing.  Or maybe it’s because my child throws up every day.  Just when I think it’s improving we hit another run of daily projectile vomiting episodes.  Maybe it’s because life feels like suspended animation for me; the same routine over and over again caring for my son 24/7 on top of all the other duties required of a mother, wife, daughter, friend, nurse executive or whatever role I’m playing that minute.  Maybe it’s the fact my son has been sick consistently since last December - ear infections, surgeries, seizures, ER visits, viruses.  That’s been our life.  And it’s been hard.  Maybe it’s because my dad has been battling cancer on top of everything.  I told a friend last night this has been the last five years of my life.  Unexpected twists, surprise diagnoses, curveballs that rock your world.  Or maybe it’s because most of the things I get excited about these days, don’t seem to work there way into existence for me.  A vacation canceled because travel is not always wise with a special needs, medically fragile child.  A half marathon postponed because training is not realistic for me in this season.  A date night hijacked because of a fever or seizure.  These seem insignificant but when the days are long and stress is abundant, the littlest things bring hope and excitement.  I’m at a point where I hesitant to get too excited about any upcoming plans because I know one acute illness may have me sleeping next to my son in a hospital room.  Or maybe it’s because so many plans have not worked out that the littlest disappointment brings back a flood of emotion and I cannot see a day when life won’t be this way.  It’s just a tough, discouraging season.  And this season is attempting to wear away at my soul.  At my heart.  At my faith.  But I know it’s just a season, even if the devil is trying to trick me into feeling it’s going to be this way forever.

To add to this season, this past weekend marked two years since I last heard from a dear friend who slipped into a quiet state days before she lost her battle with colon cancer.  I miss her so much.  And yet the thing I remember most of her, is less her and more how Jesus shined through her.  It’s hard to explain but I miss seeing Jesus in her.  Tears flood my eyes just typing that.  She was as real and genuine as it gets.  Not perfect.  Not flawless.  But a ride or die, pray you through it type of friend.  In her weakest moments, she wanted to know how to pray for others.  And before she died, she gave me a list of things to pray for after she was gone.  That’s just who she was.  And my heart just isn’t the same without a dose of her every few days.  Saying goodbye to this childhood friend, has added to this hard season.

This weekend I was driving around trying to lift my spirits over another discouraging moment and I heard the following lyrics of a song - “it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah”.  And immediately I realized that all of this discouragement is really just a spiritual battle.  And the very best thing I can do to battle my way through it, is to sing hallelujah and praise God.  The battle is not against flesh and blood.  

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

The battle is nothing about canceled plans or missed events.  The battle is in how those things discourage me.  It’s an attempt to steal my joy.  And the only path out is hallelujah.  And it’s okay if it’s a cold and broken hallelujah.  In fact, maybe the praise means more when it’s cold and broken.   When life is so hard, that you aren’t sure how you are going to face another day of challenges, sing hallelujah.  So I thought back to some of the times I praised God through pain, heartache, grief and trials.

The day I got the call with my son’s prenatal diagnosis, I went home with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and sat in bed reading the book of Job.  Praying for a way to trust God, crying out a cold and broken hallelujah.

The week my dear friend died I cried myself to sleep almost every night, praising God through tremendous grief and heartache because I didn’t understand why He took her at the young age of 37.  Why her son will never know how amazing his mother was on earth.  I sang a cold and broken hallelujah.

A few days before my grandmother died, the family stood around her bedside with tear-filled eyes, singing “How Great Thy God”.  A cold and broken hallelujah.

The day that my son was born, I stood in my bathroom with my hands on my stomach singing a praise song while rocking him back and forth in the womb.  I thought it would be the last time I ever got to sing to him.  He wasn’t supposed to survive birth.  I cried out in praise to the Lord.  A cold and broken hallelujah.

I’ve learned that when we sing hallelujah in the toughest of times, we tap into God’s power.  We put on the armor of God and we win the battle.  (Ephesians 6:10-17)

Psalms 130 1-2, 5-6
”Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice.  Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy….I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.  I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.  Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.”

Because a cold and broken hallelujah, is still a hallelujah.  And that is what matters.

Cold, broken and singing,

Ashley Lucille



​Note:  The opinions and feelings expressed in this blog are solely that of the author and does not in any way reflect the opinions of or represent any employer, organization or academic affiliation to whom the author may be associated with currently or in the past.

Do you ever feel down and out? Maybe the circumstances around you are horrible and you just see no way for things to ever improve. Or maybe you are dealing with so much pain and loss, you feel as though your emotional suffering may never end.

I think sometimes life gets so tough, that our ability to see hope is significantly blurred. I see this example in the book of Ruth. Naomi was so focused on her unfortunate circumstances, she failed to realize her blessings from God. In case you aren't familiar with the story of Ruth, I'm going to give you a quick overview. Naomi and her family fled to a foreign land (known for pagan worship) due to a famine. During the 10+ years they had to live there, Naomi's husband AND her two sons died. Her sons left behind their widows, however they were much younger than Naomi. She was left an elderly woman with nothing; back in these days fortune, protection, and shelter came by way of the men in the family. When the famine was over, Naomi planned to return to her homeland but encouraged her sons' wives to go back to their people. She encouraged them to return to a place where they were familiar with customs, traditions and people. One daughter-in-law followed Naomi’s instructions and returned home to familiarity. However, Ruth committed her life to Naomi and went back home with her.

Now here is the important part; Naomi had lost a husband and both sons and was struggling to provide for herself. In her words, she was "empty" and was looking for somewhere to go that she would not have to struggle. The famine was over, so she returned home. But when she got there, she was so focused on HER loss, HER bitterness and HER situation, she failed to recognize or acknowledge that Ruth left her own family to be by her side. Naomi actually said in Ruth 1:21 "I went away full but the Lord has brought me back empty." OUCH! I can't imagine how that statement and Naomi’s overall attitude made Ruth feel. I imagine Naomi’s words cut deep into Ruth’s heart. And to make matters worse, Naomi didn’t know that God was going to use Ruth to bring huge blessings into Naomi's life. Through God's plan, timing and Sovereignty He used Ruth to help bring harvest AND protection AND wealth (aka "land") back to Naomi. But Naomi was too consumed in her circumstances, her losses and her emptiness to even acknowledge Ruth's loyalty and blessing in her life.

I empathize with Naomi because it’s really easy to let circumstances become your focus. I expend an enormous amount of energy resisting the urge to get stuck in my circumstances. I don’t understand why God didn’t bless my husband and I with a healthy child who will follow a “normal” trajectory in life. When I am around other mothers of children who talk, eat, run, and jump, it is really easy to get lost in my circumstances. My son throws up almost every day. And not a cute baby, wet burp (if ever there was such a thing) but a full bottle of Pediasure, projectile vomit all over any and everything in his vicinity. When you are cleaning up vomit and having to change your work clothes before work for the third consecutive day, it is really tempting to just scream and curse life. It is really tempting to get down and allow feelings of hopelessness and emptiness creep into your heart. And there are less important circumstances that try to distract me from my blessings, in addition to my son’s disability and illness. I don’t understand why I had to start my Nurse Executive career during a global pandemic that has wrecked havoc on my profession. I try so hard to be a strong nurse leader but it feels like so many odds are stacked against me. And I don’t understand why so many of the things my husband and I love to do together (like traveling or brewery hopping), we now have to do apart because taking a special needs toddler would not be feasible or responsible, and we have no family anywhere near to give us a date night or a break when life gets too heavy. Circumstances are not always in our favor. In fact, most days it feels like circumstances are against us. But I have come to accept the fact that I don’t have to understand my circumstances, to find joy in the big picture. If I focus too much on all that is not “normal” in my life, I find myself missing out on the many blessings God has given me. And God has blessed me in unimaginable ways. A miracle son who defies just about every expectation anyone has ever set for him. A husband that has learned to be both a great dad and a ‘just in time’ pediatric nurse. Amazing nursing and medical care within our community or just a short drive away. A house that we absolutely LOVE, and oddly we only found because our rental house had a bat infestation (talk about crazy circumstances!). Both my husband and I have amazing jobs, and jobs that were stable through the pandemic. In lieu of our actual family, God has put some amazing people in our path that have become our Mississippi family; and our Mississippi family loves our son in big ways. The blessings are endless. And if I focus too much on the day-to-day circumstances, I miss out on cherishing these blessings.

Don't be a Naomi. Don’t miss out. Don't get so consumed in your circumstances that you miss what God is doing in your life. No matter the loss, no matter the pain, no matter the circumstance, God is using it to bless you somehow, someway. Focus on God and His blessings and give Him a chance to carry out His plan.

Circumstances, blessings and a little vomit,

​Ashley Lucille


Photo: Sean MacEntee (Flickr)


Note: The opinions and feelings expressed in this blog are solely that of the author and does not in any way reflect the opinions of or represent any employer, organization or academic affiliation to whom the author may be associated with currently or in the past.

It’s been a long time since I’ve published on this blog. Between being a wife, raising a special needs toddler, trying to take care of myself, and being a nurse leader during a worldwide pandemic, life has just been busy. For a year now, I’ve felt a tugging in my heart to get back to blogging on a regular basis. I’ve ignored it and made excuses why I didn’t have time for it.

Then I read Psalm 145:3-7:
“Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise, his greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty and I will meditate on your wonderful works. They tell of the power of your awesome works and I will proclaim your great deeds. They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.”

In these verses, I was reminded we are called to tell our stories. We are supposed to share our life experiences with each other. It’s one of the ways God reveals Himself to others. There is power in sharing what God has done in your life. Many times it’s how future generations learn and are blessed by our suffering. At the start of this year, I committed to reading through the entire Bible over the course of 2022. I’m using The Bible Recap reading plan and podcast, and it has been the easiest, most enjoyable reading plan I’ve used. But it does include the Old Testament, which honestly has never been my favorite part of the Bible to study. I’m committed to the reading plan though and I am over halfway through the Old Testament. I share this because there are so many examples in the Old Testament where God used an event to bless or remind future generations of His Mighty Acts, Glorious Splendor, Power, or Great Deeds. Exodus 13:1-16 gives an example of telling the firstborn sons of what the LORD did by rescuing the Israelites from Egypt. In Exodus 13:14 it says, “In days to come, when your son asks, “What does this mean?” say to him, ‘With a mighty hand the LORD brought us out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.” When the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, enduring the frogs, grasshoppers and other plagues alongside their slave master Egyptians, I wonder if they gave any consideration to how God would use those events to bring freedom. When the city woke up to the death of all the firstborns except those with blood over their doors, I imagine the scene was horrific. Can you imagine the wailing and sorrow through the city? I imagine those experiences were painful memories. I wonder if these were stories they wanted to share, or were they painful memories tucked away deep inside their souls?

In Romans 8:28 we learn, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” However, not everything that happens today serves a purpose for good TODAY. Sometimes we go through things that serve a purpose in the future; sometimes for generations to come. And yet in order for that purpose to be filled, we have to tell our stories.

What is your story? What has God brought you through in life so that you may be a blessing to someone else? A painful divorce. Financial hardship. An abusive relationship. A time of suffering. A time of loss. A painful experience. Go tell your story. There is not a lack of painful experiences in this world; people are suffering every single day. But there are ways to ensure that suffering is not in vain. Tell your story. I’m re-committing to this blog to tell my story. And my prayer is that through my suffering and my joy, that others will see God’s love and faithfulness through me.

God, life and a story,​
Ashley Lucille


​Note: The opinions and feelings expressed in this blog are solely that of the author and does not in any way reflect the opinions of or represent any employer, organization or academic affiliation to whom the author may be associated with currently or in the past.
​

This Christmas season has been particularly tough for me.  Whereas most three year olds are just starting to understand the concept of Santa, my three year old son is a long way from understanding Santa.  Or getting excited about Santa.  Or knowing that tomorrow is Christmas.  His physical and cognitive delays are plenty and this time of year those delays are magnified.  Then you add an extremely busy schedule with a very challenging career in healthcare during a time when we don’t have enough staff and those who remain on our team are absolutely exhausted and there is very little room for celebration.  I’ve had to dig deep for any Christmas spirit.  And if I’m honest, I’m tired of working hard to put on a happy face.  I’m tired of digging.

Earlier in the week I sat in my office trying desperately to finish wrapping a little surprise for my leadership team.  I ran out of time to go get any pretty wrapping paper so I found some plastic bags and literally reused tissue paper that I could mix and match to look “Christmas-y”.  I had planned on getting the cutest bags with sparkly Christmas ribbon but I just didn’t make the time to go get all the gift wrappings - something always took priority over shopping for gift wrap.  So I found some pre-cut ribbons that I had to tie together to even be able to tie a wimpy bow knot around the clear plastic bag.  The gifts looked completely pathetic and I found myself tearing up over this silly gift wrap.  And all of a sudden - I was overwhelmed with a thought.  The first Christmas was in a barn - Jesus entered this world in a manger.  Why am I crying over gift wrap?  Or Santa recognition?  

Luke 2:6-8
While they were there [in Bethlehem - see Luke 2:1-5], the time came for the baby to be born and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.  She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.  And there were shepherds living out in fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.”

Manger is just a glamorized word for an animal trough.  There were no sparkly ribbons or shiny gift wrappings or fancy bags - there wasn’t even Santa.  Just a baby in a barn.  Or a cave, there’s some scholarly debate if it was an actual barn.  The presence of the manger and the nearby shepherds give us an indication that it wasn’t glamorous and probably intended for animals.  And reflecting on the birth of Jesus I realized that if my “Christmas spirit” is contingent upon Christmas wrapping paper, putting up decorations and buying gifts, maybe I am missing the point.  Why does that stuff make up my Christmas Spirit?

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace.

If our Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace came to this earth in an animal trough and yet there still was tremendous glory surrounding the event - maybe my Christmas spirit should be rooted in the Glory of God and nothing else.  

Luke 2:9-14
An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David [Bethlehem] a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you:  You will find a baby wrapped in clothes and lying in a manger”.  Suddenly a great company of heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

So as we all approach the Christmas holiday, may we remember the true reason for the season and find our Glory in nothing else but Jesus Christ.  And THAT glory is something worth digging deep to find.

Christmas love and blessings,
​Ashley Lucille



​Note: The opinions and feelings expressed in this blog are solely that of the author and does not in any way reflect the opinions of or represent any employer, organization or academic affiliation to whom the author may be associated with currently or in the past.
​

For the first time in my life, I do not enjoy being a nurse. It hurts my heart to say that but I woke up last Tuesday and just didn’t want to do it anymore. And above all else, I do not enjoy being a nurse leader right now. I could spend hours discussing the reasons, who or what is to blame, but honestly those words would be in vain. We are in the midst of our 4th COVID surge and I want to give up. I’m tired of social media, people trying to politicize a medical crisis and I’m tired of coming up with Plan A, B, C...Z and no plan being good enough. This nurse leader is worn out and tired. I have found myself asking the following questions: what do you do when you lose the passion for what you love? How do you keep going forward when you have nothing left to give? Isn’t it someone else’s turn to do this? Am I in the wrong career? Why is this happening to us?

​As I explored those thought provoking questions I came to a very important conclusion: It is not about me. It’s not about my ability or my feelings or even my passion. It’s about following God’s calling on your life. Where I am at this moment in time is not an accident. Over the last few weeks I’ve witnessed selfish behavior that has broken my heart. And I have to wonder as I contemplate turning my back on a career that God clearly has destined for me, does God think I’m selfish? He has put a calling on my life. This pandemic is not a surprise. The fact I’m an inexperienced nurse executive in this pandemic is not a surprise to Him. The fact I’m a mother to a medically complex, special needs infant while learning to be a nurse executive during a pandemic is not a surprise to Him. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. He called me to this place and my only job is to put one foot in front of the other and keep doing what He has called me to do. All of the requirements to do this job and serve His purpose, He will provide for me.

To all of the nurses (and other healthcare professionals!) out there struggling to connect to your purpose, remember it is not about YOU. It is about God. God has called us to this moment. We have to resist the urge to get caught up in our feelings because feelings betray and distract us. We have to stay grounded in our purpose to live out His Purpose. Where you are in this pandemic is not an accident.

I cannot help but feel a little like Moses, Joshua and Elijah. And not Moses at his best. I feel like Moses at his worst (well maybe not his worst. Moses murdered someone. I’m not quite there.) Maybe Moses at his not-so-best moments. That’s the Moses I’m talking about. The not-so-great Moses; that’s me. Not-so-great Moses wannabe. The moment God called him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and he responded with NOT ME including all the best excuses not to go.

Exodus 4:10-17
10 But Moses said, “No, Lord, don't send me. I have never been a good speaker, and I haven't become one since you began to speak to me. I am a poor speaker, slow and hesitant.” 11The Lord said to him, “Who gives man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or dumb? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? It is I, the Lord. 12 Now, go! I will help you to speak, and I will tell you what to say.”
13 But Moses answered, “No, Lord, please send someone else.”

Moses doesn’t win his case and ends up leading the Israelites out of Egypt. It is not easy and if you step back and read the entire book of Exodus, it reads a bit like a horror story. BUT God works through Moses.

When Moses handed off the journey to Joshua, Moses reminded Joshua that the Lord your God goes with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Moses repeated the instructions, be strong and courageous and do not be afraid, over and over again (at least 4-5 times!) when he explained to Joshua that he would be his successor (Deuteronomy 31). And again after Moses died, God told Joshua the same message - be strong and courageous, I’ve got this (he emphasized this message at least 7 times in Joshua 1). I have to wonder if everyone, including God, reminded Joshua to be strong and courageous and to remember God was with him because he watched the journey Moses brought the Israelites on to that point and was like “Heck no, I’m not doing this! Have you seen how hard the journey has been thus far?!?”.

And then I remember Elijah watched a sacrificial miracle performed on Mount Carmel and then defeated the prophets of Baal only to quickly fall afraid of Jezebel and run for his life (1 Kings 18, 19). Over the past 18 months I’ve watched God perform miracles from seeing an unlikely patient recover to somehow, someway giving us just enough equipment and staff to just get by with our patient load. And yet, I’m afraid for what our future holds. I want to run like Elijah.

Here is the takeaway for me. I am tired. My feelings weigh me down and make me feel unprepared and afraid to go on. But God will give me just the rest I need. I feel defeated but God will shine a light on little wins to keep me going. I feel out of resources but God will come through with just what we need. I know this because there hasn’t been a day in my life when He hasn’t been faithful.

This is not an accident. This is His purpose for my life right now. To Him be the Glory.

Strong, courageous and faithful,

Ashley Lucille





Note: The opinions and feelings expressed in this blog are solely that of the author and does not in any way reflect the opinions of or represent any employer, organization or academic affiliation to whom the author may be associated with currently or in the past.

Faith – such a small word for such a big thing.
 
There’s a story in the bible where Jesus is standing across the water and calls Peter out towards Him. Peter looks to Jesus and steps out to walk on the water towards Jesus. 

Matthew 14: 27-31
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”  “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”  “Come,” he said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I have always admired Peter for the enormous amount of faith it took to step out onto the water, however recently I find myself wondering if Peter would have taken that first step, if he wasn’t looking at Jesus.  How much faith does it take when you can’t see Jesus?
 
My faith has been tested, stretched, pulled, squished, poked and prodded this past year. Honestly, there are days it is hard to see Jesus at first glance through my circumstances.  Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW He is there.  I know He is with me.  I feel him and I can see Him if I look really, really hard.  But most days it doesn’t feel like I am staring across the water at Jesus, being asked to take that first step on water in faith.  It feels more like I’m standing in a thick fog.  In the darkness of night.  And I’m blind folded.  And it’s cold.  And the sounds I hear alternate between being at a rock concert and the deep silence you hear when you go underwater in a swimming pool.  And then there is this faint whisper in the far-off distance I'm supposed to hear.  Except I can’t tell where it is coming from.  And it is unclear exactly what it is telling me to do.  That’s what life feels like to me.  I think that voice is telling me to take a step out in faith but the sea is really violent.  But unlike Peter, I can’t physically see Jesus.  And yet I know I’m supposed to just step out in faith.  
 
Having faith through the storm is relatively easy when “the storm” resembles a light drizzle on a dreary day.  But have you had to have faith when the storm is violent?  Really, really violent.  A sustained high speed winds, pouring down rain, cracks of lightening, roaring thunder type of storm.  The type of storm that is going to try to destroy your life, leaving you hoping for the lesser of two evils. My faith has been matched against quite the storm this past year.  Month after month we’ve faced challenges.  And each time my faith has been stretched just a bit further.  First it was trusting God with our son’s birth.  The “choice” we were given was to terminate or wait for a stillbirth that could put my own health at risk and inevitably draw out our pain and suffering. Any hope we had of him surviving was immediately met with the reality that we were told he was going to be severely delayed both physically and cognitively.  And then came this bright eyed and beautiful baby boy – who was tiny but oh so mighty.  And he not only survived but thrived at birth. Then we faced the fear of what this meant for our future.  Would our child know us?  Would he eat? Would he interactive with us? Would he go to school someday?  We took him home with a plan to love him and celebrate the blessing of each day.  And take it day by day.  We had hospice in place to help us achieve a quality of life and stay out of the hospital. We did not want our baby to live in the hospital.  Then we found out he was in stage 4 kidney failure with likely only a few weeks to months to live. So heartbroken and emotionally devastated, we continued to celebrate each day at home.  
 
And then his kidney function improved and heart surgery became an option; an option we never prepared ourselves for since he was in kidney failure.  (Open heart surgery and kidney failure don’t play well together – I’ll spare you from my nerdy side and omit the explanation why!) The option of heart surgery was bittersweet because it meant another difficult decision. We could correct his congenital heart condition but risk causing irreparable damage to his one small kidney. Or we could not repair the heart and watch our son suffer from heart failure.  Again that whisper of a voice, in the increasingly far off distance, reminded me to have faith and just trust Him.
 
Like I said, faith in a storm.  A violent storm.  I never struggled with faith before this past year.  Trusting God is easy when life is relatively unaltered or if you can live with either outcome of a particular circumstance.  It’s easy to trust God through an experience, when you know once you get through the experience, you will be okay.  But how does your faith hold up when you can’t see the other side of the experience or even worse, getting through the experience just means life gets tougher? Faith means trusting God no matter the outcome.  It means believing that even if your baby does not survive, God will see you through it. It means believing that even if your child isn’t “normal” and has special needs, God will see you through it. It means believing that no matter how violent the storm gets, Jesus is standing across the water even if you can’t see Him.  And all you have to do, is have faith.  

Faith, Jesus and a storm,

Ashley Lucille

Have you ever felt God was challenging or pushing you beyond your limit? A time when you wanted to tell God, “Look, you’ve got the wrong girl (or guy!). I cannot handle this.” How does that saying go again….God only gives you what you can handle. Yeah, I'm not buying what you're selling! I call bluff. So many of my burdens are beyond my ability to handle. That’s the whole purpose of God. God never gives us more than HE can handle. But more than we can handle…there are times in life, when we get WAY more than we can handle.

A medical diagnosis you can’t wrap your head around much less physically battle. A husband who isn’t who he promised he was long ago at the alter. A lost job followed by a seemingly endlessly, unsuccessful job hunt. An aging parent who needs more care than you can manage while simultaneously juggling your own family, job and life stressors. A medically complex child. Strained finances. Or even worse, all of the above! This world is full of situations where we get more than we can handle. There have been several times when I told God, “I’m at my limit. I cannot do this any longer. Something has to give and I feel like it’s me. I’m going to give out.” Weakness and doubt get the best of me.

And then I try to remember Moses. Moses is arguably one of the most influential people recorded in the Bible. He stood up to Pharaoh, led the Israelites to freedom and encountered God in very personal ways. I think of Moses and I think of holiness. I think of strength. I think of God’s plan and purpose.

I don’t associate Moses with weakness. But when God called Moses to his role and task, Moses basically told God, “Look you’ve got the wrong guy!”

Here's a little background: God is talking to Moses about the Israelites being under control of the Pharaoh. God is explaining His plan to use Moses to stand up to Pharaoh and lead the Israelites to freedom. This goes back to God making a promise to Abraham so although freeing the Israelites is a BIG mountain of a task, it is actually part of a much larger grand plan.

Exodus 3:9-11
And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.” But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

God responded to Moses with an encouraging, "I will be with you every step of the way". And yet Moses doubted…

Exodus 4:1
Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”

God responded by literally demonstrating several miraculous signs He would perform through Moses to prove it was God who sent Moses to Pharaoh. And yet Moses still doubted, reminding God that he wasn’t a great public speaker and tended to be a little "slow" at times.

Exodus 4:10
Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

God responded by reassuring Moses that He would give him the words to speak. And finally Moses was brutally honest and asked God to just send someone else.

Exodus 4:13
But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

Spoiler alert: The Israelites were freed from Pharaoh's rule under Moses's leadership. Now the experience was not without some major mountains to overcome but God was with Moses every step of the way.

I’ve definitely had times when I have felt like saying, “Lord, please send someone else. I’m not your girl.” It’s funny how God’s plan is always bigger and more complete than mine. During life’s challenges, God doesn’t leave us to handle it alone. I’d even daresay that when we sit back and rest in God’s plan, it works out quite well. And we do prove that with God, we can get through it. We can manage it. The mountain that once stood in front of us, is finally in the rearview mirror. God uses our circumstances, our challenges, for BIG things, even those circumstances which stretch us way beyond our limits.

Challenges, mountains and rearview mirrors,

​Ashley Lucille

 For the past 9 months, I have felt without hope.  I have had more days than I want to admit where I hung onto my faith by a single thread.  I have a childhood friend who has been battling cancer for two years and we often talk about how easy it is to get discouraged when you are faced with sadness Every. Single. Day.  It's so hard to stay strong, positive and faithful when you feel absolutely without hope.  However, it is important to recognize the distinction in feeling without hope and actually being without hope.  When we trust in God, we are never without hope (even when it feels that way). 

Two weeks ago my husband and I brought home a newborn son after what can only be described as a tough pregnancy.  In fact, tough doesn't even begin to describe it.  From our first OB appointment, fetal development was abnormal.  The first trimester was filled with frequent ultrasounds followed by bad news, week after week.  They would see something "abnormal" and then it would seem to improve the next week, only to uncover a new concern.  At 13 weeks, we finally thought we had some good news when the high risk OB told us, "I know the first trimester has been rough but I think things are going to be much better from this point on.  Based on your genetic screening, you are in the lowest category for risk of a genetic issue.  You have like a 1 in 10,000 chance of an unhealthy pregnancy."  Around our third trimester, we would learn our son had a genetic abnormality that occurred 1 in 50,000 live births (not 1 in 10,000).  A genetic issue so rare, they don't actually screen for it.  A genetic issue associated with several abnormalities, many considered life-limiting.  I have never cried so hard and felt such heartbreak as the day we received this news and had to make difficult decisions on how to proceed.  Just thinking back to this day is incredibly painful - it is the worst pain I have ever experienced and by far the worst day of my life.  

From that point on, the message from the 4 different OBs who managed our care was consistent; we should prepare for a stillborn.  My heart was broken and my husband and I faced many difficult decisions.  Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time in life - when you are overwhelmed by joy and hope for what is to come.  It is supposed to be filled with baby announcements, gender reveals, baby showers, setting up a nursery and getting giddy over the cutest baby clothes on planet earth.  No one talks about how to deal with a pregnancy that doesn't go that way.  Or how to deal with the many people who congratulate you, when you start showing and want to know the baby's name, due date, etc.  Do you fake excitement and hope you can resist tears long enough to get through the interaction?  Do you tell the truth and be a total kill joy?  How do you answer the inquiry when you tell someone you are going to delivery next week and yet you barely look 6 months pregnant?  It's a very sensitive situation to navigate, especially while simultaneously coping with your own grief.  It's just tough.  And painful.  And you feel hopeless.  What do you hope for when your child surviving means a life of potential pain and suffering?  Do you hope for a stillborn?  Do you pray for that?  Do you pray for a miracle even when your faith feels like it is held together by a single thread?

Thankfully that thread, and a lot of encouragement from friends and family who have suffered in similar ways, helped me find joy in the darkest of places.  I submerged myself in Scripture and prayer - often asking Jesus to spare our son's suffering and somehow use the situation for His Glory.  I asked for perspective that would bring me joy.  I learned to be thankful for the journey and not focus on the outcome.  God helped me find joy in little moments.  For example, the first time I felt him move - I realized there are tons of mommas who struggle with infertility or their pregnancies never reach the point where they feel their babies move.  So in a way, I thanked God for that experience and I soaked up every single time I felt him moved.  I learned to be thankful because so many women never experience what it feels like to feel their baby move.  Some mornings I would spend an extra 30 minutes in bed just being still and feeling him move and thanking God for that moment.  God taught me (and is teaching me) to live in the moment - not focused on the future!  I quickly realized that if I allowed him, Satan would steal every ounce of joy out of the miracle of life I was  experiencing.  He is a master thief.

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest.

I still have to remind remind myself daily not to let Satan steal my joy...because he does.  Satan will steal every ounce of joy you have in life, if you let him.  Resisting the steal is the challenge.  Remembering God will give you a full life (full of joy, full of grace, full of love) even when circumstances are horrible is really tough.  But it isn't impossible.  All you need is faith.  

I believe our son's birth to be a miracle - the look of shock on the doctors' faces was proof enough for me.  Our son has many obstacles to overcome based on his medical diagnoses.  And honestly, if I spend time thinking about each and every diagnosis, I quickly feel my hope fading.  But we were told he wouldn't survive birth and he did!  So we are taking it one day at a time and considering each day a blessing.  We are choosing to have joy despite Satan's every attempt to steal it.  I choose faith every single day....and although it may take effort, the joy is worth the effort.  I know there will be days when my faith may wither to a thread but thankfully a thread of faith is all God needs to get us through tough times.  So find your thread and hang on.  

A thread, hope and blessings,

Ashley Lucille